SFUSD Votes to Name All Schools After Jesus Christ

San Francisco, CA— After days of deliberation, San Francisco Unified School District has decided to name every school in the district after the only person they could think of who has never done anything wrong: Jesus Christ.

The process started when the school board realized that all of their schools were named after people who have held racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, or able-ist beliefs at some point in their lives. This was clearly unacceptable, and they made the common sense move to remove the names.

“Imagine being a BIPOC student at a school named after a racist like Abraham Lincoln,” explained one school board member, “or an LGBTQIA+ student at a school named after a homophobe like Senator Dianne Feinstein. All-too-common situations like those are literally violence.”

The problem came when the board struggled to think of anyone, living or dead, who has never held a belief that is now taboo. They considered generic names such as “San Francisco Elementary School,” but quickly realized that San Francisco is Spanish for Saint Francis, who founded an order of monks that colonized California. In fact, putting any Spanish name on a building reeks of cultural appropriation.

“Naming everything after Jesus was the obvious choice. Everyone knows that he tolerated all kinds of people, and would never judge them.”

The district is having some doubts after some problematic Bible verses were brought to their attention.

“Who knows? Maybe we’ll just forget names and give each school an interpretive dance.”

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