August 15 – Due to alarming numbers of deaths from heart disease, the CDC has released new guidance to slow the spread of cholesterol.
Since March of 2020, about 1 million Americans have died of heart disease, compared to 600,000 COVID deaths. But recent studies show that cloth masks, while not very effective at blocking viruses, are very effective at keeping out salt and trans fats.
When asked about the CDC’s guidance, Dr. Anthony Fauci commented “I’m no cardiologist, but it is logical that very little meat will be able to get through a cloth mask. If you wear a cloth mask over an N95, I would say that the risk of consuming harmful substances is negligible.”
Depending on how many people comply with the guidance, it might be necessary to require masks for all Big Mac consumers who do not show proof of healthy blood pressure. The CDC may also declare a nation-wide cook-at-home order. Experts say it will be worth it all if it saves one life.