Tag Archives: satire

Biden Sends Navy in Search of White Whale

Since his inauguration, President Biden has thought of little other than the white whale whom he calls Covi Dick.

Some doubt the existence of the whale, and others think it was genetically engineered by the Chinese military. Some see it as a divine judgment against humanity, and others think it is a force of nature that can’t be stopped. But the president is sure that this whale is a mask for Satan himself, and that it is his destiny to kill it.

Critics are questioning whether this is a proper use of the military, and whether hunting whales is an enumerated power of the executive branch. But the president will hear no dissent. “You can build more boats, you can have more sons, but there is only one whale, and one Biden to kill him.”

The Navy was hesitant at first, but Biden offered them plenty of money to head toward the whale at “warp speed.” Some generals tried commanding their fleets to stay and defend the United States, but Biden “got them out of the way.” Now, hundreds of miles from the coast, some sailors are questioning whether this is what they really signed up for when they joined the Navy.

The president assured the sailors that they are completely safe, and that he understands their anger at those who endangered them by refusing to volunteer for the Navy.

CDC Recommends Wearing Masks While Eating Big Macs

August 15 – Due to alarming numbers of deaths from heart disease, the CDC has released new guidance to slow the spread of cholesterol.

Since March of 2020, about 1 million Americans have died of heart disease, compared to 600,000 COVID deaths. But recent studies show that cloth masks, while not very effective at blocking viruses, are very effective at keeping out salt and trans fats.

When asked about the CDC’s guidance, Dr. Anthony Fauci commented “I’m no cardiologist, but it is logical that very little meat will be able to get through a cloth mask. If you wear a cloth mask over an N95, I would say that the risk of consuming harmful substances is negligible.”

Depending on how many people comply with the guidance, it might be necessary to require masks for all Big Mac consumers who do not show proof of healthy blood pressure. The CDC may also declare a nation-wide cook-at-home order. Experts say it will be worth it all if it saves one life.

SFUSD Votes to Name All Schools After Jesus Christ

San Francisco, CA— After days of deliberation, San Francisco Unified School District has decided to name every school in the district after the only person they could think of who has never done anything wrong: Jesus Christ.

The process started when the school board realized that all of their schools were named after people who have held racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, or able-ist beliefs at some point in their lives. This was clearly unacceptable, and they made the common sense move to remove the names.

“Imagine being a BIPOC student at a school named after a racist like Abraham Lincoln,” explained one school board member, “or an LGBTQIA+ student at a school named after a homophobe like Senator Dianne Feinstein. All-too-common situations like those are literally violence.”

The problem came when the board struggled to think of anyone, living or dead, who has never held a belief that is now taboo. They considered generic names such as “San Francisco Elementary School,” but quickly realized that San Francisco is Spanish for Saint Francis, who founded an order of monks that colonized California. In fact, putting any Spanish name on a building reeks of cultural appropriation.

“Naming everything after Jesus was the obvious choice. Everyone knows that he tolerated all kinds of people, and would never judge them.”

The district is having some doubts after some problematic Bible verses were brought to their attention.

“Who knows? Maybe we’ll just forget names and give each school an interpretive dance.”